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Occasionally, we have all found ourselves in situations wherein we felt manipulated. It may have been a request, an expectation, an insinuation, or something else that left us feeling confused or uncomfortable. Regardless of the specifics, it was generally not a good feeling.

Some manipulation is the result of happenstance and is not intentional. At other times, we might bring the situation on ourselves by failing to be clear or feeling obligated to cooperate. Fortunately, most people do not attempt to manipulate others as their primary approach to relationships.

Yet, there are certainly people who rely on manipulation as a go-to behavior to get what they want. They may be a colleague, student, friend, or even a family member. They reveal themselves through their frequent reliance of any, some, or all the following behaviors:

  • Guilting—Making us feel guilty for not cooperating with or volunteering to carry out their wishes or taking responsibility for their emotions.
  • Playing the victim—Seeking sympathy and claiming that others are responsible for their problems and feelings.
  • Blame-shifting—Claiming that everything bad is someone else’s fault, even when the fault clearly lies with them.
  • Lying—Refusing to admit falsehoods even when the evidence is obvious.
  • Gaslighting—Raising suspicions about what we know or have experienced, leading us to question our reality.
  • Intimidating—Making subtle threats, threatening to exert power, or hinting at consequences if cooperation is not forthcoming.

Unfortunately, regular engagement with emotionally manipulative people can take a significant mental, emotional, and physical toll on us. We can experience depression and anxiety, feel helpless and lack of confidence, and suffer from guilt and shame. We may even engage in unhealthy coping behaviors and suffer from exhaustion.

The good news is that there are several useful strategies we can tap to protect our well-being and manage manipulators and their behavior. Here are seven approaches to help you gain control and remain sane.

Set and enforce emotional boundaries. Be ready for the manipulator to press and test your boundaries. Expect attempts to ridicule and guilt you for not prioritizing the manipulator’s interests and priorities. If pushed, refuse to engage; instead, respond by stating your commitment to prioritizing your well-being.

Refuse to take responsibility for the manipulator’s emotions. Don’t take what the manipulator says personally. Your guilt, shame, and vulnerability are what they crave to be successful. When you break that link, you diminish their power. Their feelings and behavior are their choice, not your responsibility.

Remain calm. When the manipulator attempts to pull you in, refuse to react. Detach emotionally from what the manipulator is saying or doing. When manipulators do not receive the reaction they expect, they often lose interest. If the manipulator persists, you may need to create physical space, including walking away or ending the relationship.

Avoid power struggles. Manipulative people excel at power competition and advantages. They have lots of strategies and are not reluctant to use them, no matter how they may impact you. Resist debating, forget trying to win, and detach from determining who is right or wrong. The manipulator is trying to escalate the situation to achieve an advantage. Don’t take the bait.

Be clear about your needs and expectations. State what you mean in direct terms. Resist sending open-ended messages, invitations, or requests. Vagueness and mixed signals are the manipulator’s playground. They will reinterpret what you said or meant and leave you feeling guilty, regretful, and bewildered. Meanwhile, expect vagueness and mixed signals from the manipulator, often followed by an interpretation that favors what the manipulator wants or expects.

Listen to your intuition. Manipulators can be difficult to spot. They are often friendly, even seemingly genuinely helpful, when it fits their purpose. They may compliment and smother with kindness when they want something. If you find yourself second-guessing your interpretation or feeling “icky” following a conversation or experience, manipulation may have been at play. If something feels manipulative, it probably is.

Tap sources of support. Manipulators often attempt to isolate those whom they are trying to manipulate. Their tactics work best when their intended victims are not testing their experiences against reality or others’ perceptions. Talk to friends, colleagues, or family members about what is happening and get their reactions. If they have experience with the manipulator, they may be able to validate your experience and offer advice. Consider seeking professional help if the situation is becoming serious and you are having difficulty finding a path forward.

Of course, the “through line” for each of these strategies is that we need to take care of ourselves. Self-care is a critical element in successfully countering an emotional manipulator. They depend on others’ emotional and physical exhaustion for their success. But we are not powerless, and we can prevail. Own your own!

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Adversity may not be our choice, but it can be our opportunity.

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