The Master Teacher Blog

Validation may not seem like a powerful act. In fact, we may not give it much thought beyond a moment of appreciation in passing. Yet, taking the time to acknowledge the thinking of others, accepting their feelings, and respecting their experiences can have a surprisingly powerful impact our personal and professional relationships. In her recent book on the power and importance of validation, author Caroline Fleck asserts that the connections we make can increase levels of trust, improve psychological safety, and build a sense of belonging.

Providing genuine validation can be an especially effective way to build relationships with students. When we take the time to validate our students’ thoughts and feelings, we help them to feel seen and safe, reinforce their identity, and build emotional connections. When students perceive that their thoughts and emotions are accepted and respected, they are more likely to communicate freely and be more open to our advice and coaching.

Campus and district administrators should also be intentional and authentic when providing validation to their teachers, now in the season of Teacher Appreciation—and throughout the rest of the school year. Teachers deserve a great deal of appreciation, respect, and validation in addition to other things that would improve their well-being and job satisfaction; while many of those things are outside the realm of campus and district administration’s control, providing validation is not.

To be clear, validation is more than simply acknowledging someone’s presence or greeting them by name, although these can certainly be starting points. If we want teachers, students, colleagues, or others to feel validated, here are steps we can take:

• Listen actively. When in a conversation with someone, give them your full attention. Making eye contact can go a long way in making someone feel respected. Resist fidgeting, interrupting, or drawing premature conclusions.
• Offer nonverbal support. Nodding your head, maintaining an open body stance, and making other encouraging gestures or facial expressions can convey that you are paying full attention.
• Acknowledge emotions. Listen for more than spoken words. Pay attention to their tone and facial expressions. Validate what is said with statements such as “I understand why you feel that way,” or “That makes sense.” Your responses can communicate support to the other person and make them feel seen and heard.
• Remain nonjudgmental. Accept the other person’s perspective. Realize that respecting their feelings is not synonymous with your agreement! There may be opportunities later to clarify, rectify misperceptions, or offer alternate perspectives.
• Resist trying to immediately problem solve. Being heard is often as important, as receiving advice, if not more so. Hold off on offering any advice until asked or invited to.
• Don’t take over. Give others space until they invite your input. Let them know that you are there for them when they want to share or need assistance.
• Reinforce their strengths. Remind the person of their coping skills and capacities. Share your confidence in their abilities.

Validation can also play a helpful role in conflict. Many of the same behaviors that convey validation in relationships can reduce tension and improve communication during times of tension and disagreement. When someone is upset, their abilities to focus, think, and problem solve are reduced. They become more likely to respond with “fight, flight, or freeze” actions. When we engage in validating behaviors, the impact can be lowered heart rates, reduced nervous perspiration, and eased emotions, among other benefits. As a result, students or others with whom we are in conflict are less likely to escalate their behavior, respond based solely on emotion, or experience continued distress.

Of course, validation is only effective when it is authentic. True validation is not a tool for manipulation or misdirection. People can often quickly and easily see through false concern and manufactured caring, which tends to make the situation worse.

How have you made validation a part of your relationship-building efforts? What additional recommendations would you offer for establishing and strengthening connections with others?

Reference:

Fleck, C. (2025) Validation: How the skill set that revolutionized psychology will transform your relationships, increase your influence, and change your life. Avery.

We know that the choices our students make about who they’re friends with matter. Students who spend most of their time with peers who value learning, achieving, and succeeding do better in school. For example, students who join athletic teams, participate in the arts, and join other purpose-driven groups tend to misbehave less and succeed more in academics. Similarly, students who spend most of their time with others who expect to graduate also graduate at higher rates themselves. Likewise, students whose friends plan to go on to higher education have a higher rate of participation in formal education after high school.

However, the influence of social networks is not confined to young people. It turns out that the people we spend time with as adults—our friends, colleagues, and associates—also tend to have a significant impact on our sense of well-being, our productivity, our level of motivation, and even our character. For example, a recent study found that workers who are surrounded with high performers experienced an increase of 15% in their productivity. Attitudes and behaviors such as curiosity, innovation, and motivation have a “spillover effect.”

Surrounding ourselves and spending significant time with positive people, high achievers, and action-oriented individuals can also have a significant impact on our attitude. We tend to feel better more often when the people around us are optimistic, take action to make things better, and show resilience in the face of challenges.

Of course, we cannot always choose those with whom we work and occasionally must spend time. Nevertheless, we can choose to minimize social and unstructured time with negative, pessimistic, and otherwise toxic people. When we must spend time with such people, we can consciously resist being dragged down, depressed, or otherwise influenced by them. Just being aware of the potential to be influenced can provide significant immunization from their impact.

Each of us has networks of people around us. We may have social networks formed by commonalities like the same workplace or field, or we may have networks based on our faith or religion to feed and renew our faith and spirituality. We may even be part of other networks that meet a need, feed an interest, or serve another purpose for us. Each of these associations plays a role in our lives and can have an influence on our happiness, satisfaction, sense of belonging, and self-worth.

There is yet another type of network to consider if we are not already part of one. This network is comprised of people we admire, people who are high achievers in an area of interest or aspiration and who can serve as models to emulate. Our commitment to and participation in this network can play a determinative role in our career success or in other areas of importance to us. When choosing or building this kind of network, there are several factors to prioritize so we can embrace its “spillover effect.” Here are factors to consider in our search:

• Look for thought leaders who provide access to valuable ideas, perspectives, and insights.
• Look for models of mindsets and patterns of behavior that lead to success.
• Pay attention to curious mindsets, innovative approaches, and novel thinking.
• Search for people who are energized by exploring and embracing ideas.
• Seek out skilled, interested listeners who invite your ideas and will provide thoughtful feedback.
• Find people who inspire and challenge your thinking.
• Embrace opportunities to share your knowledge and expertise.

It may be challenging to find or form a network that includes all these features. Just know that the more exposure to and engagement you have with sources of possibility, the greater impact it will have on your thinking, aspirations, performance, and overall satisfaction.

References:

Housman, M., & Minor, D. (June 2016). Workplace design: The good, the bad, and the productive. Harvard Business School. https://www.hbs.edu/ris/Publication%20Files/16-147_c672567d-9ba2-45c1-9d72-ea7fa58252ab.pdf

Corsello, J., & Minor, D. (2017, February 14). Want to be more productive? Sit next to someone who is. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2017/02/want-to-be-more-productive-sit-next-to-someone-who-is

Every year, we schedule a variety of annual check-ups to maintain optimal health. We see a doctor to review our physical health. We make appointments with a dentist to check our oral health. We may schedule an appointment with the optometrist to evaluate our vision and eye health, and many people even see a dermatologist once a year for a skin check. We also schedule check-ups for other nonorganic but important systems on which we depend, like inspections and service appointments for our vehicles or appointments for technicians to check our home heating and cooling systems. The list could go on.

The point is that we need to take care of the systems and processes in our lives that can have an important impact on our health, comfort, and success. We want to prevent problems from developing where we can and identify the emergence of potentially serious problems before they become disruptive, expensive, or even dangerous.

With this responsibility in mind, there is another activity that deserves an annual check-up and should be added to our list. Even if our hearing itself is good, we may need to give attention to whether we are truly listening at an optimal level. Are we listening clearly and completely? Or are we developing behaviors that may lead us to miss important information, misinterpret intended messages, or even stifle open communication? Like other important processes, our listening skills can deteriorate over time, and we can find ourselves developing inefficient, ineffective listening habits.

It is customary for annual check-ups to involve a checklist of areas and elements that often need cleaning up or fixing. Check-ups also often include adjustments and corrections we can make to improve functions and operations going forward. Consider these ten items as you conduct a review of your listening skills, habits, and actions.

Item #1: Do you find that, occasionally, in conversations you just sort of passively listen and miss information?

Improvement opportunity: Focus on what is said. Notice the tone. Observe nonverbal cues like facial expressions and body language. Resist trying to “mind read” by making assumptions or unwarranted connections about what is said. Clarify details if you find yourself confused or unsure.

Item #2: Do you focus on your response while the other person is still speaking?

Improvement opportunity: Give your full attention to hearing before deciding how you might respond. Trust yourself to find the right words to communicate your message. Listen to hear, not to respond.

Item #3: Do you try to compete with or one-up the other participant(s) in conversations?

Improvement opportunity: Resist making conversations a competition. Acknowledge the other person’s message. Make your goal to celebrate or empathize, not to overshadow.

Item #4: Do people often respond to you by saying, “That’s not what I meant”?

Improvement opportunity: Confirm your understanding of what the other person said before attempting to respond. It can help when you begin your response by saying, “What I’m hearing you say is…” so that the other person has a chance to correct a misinterpretation. Or, if you are confused, simply ask for clarification.

Item #5: Do you occasionally hear statements like “I don’t feel like you’re listening?”

Improvement opportunity: Concentrate on your attending skills. Watch your eye contact and nonverbal responses. Avoid distractions and competing activities. And, of course, listen actively.

Item #6: Do your emotions occasionally become barriers to your listening?

Improvement opportunity: Resist becoming defensive or interrupting, even (read: especially) when it’s hard. Take a breath. If you need to bring your emotions under control, pause before responding or, if necessary, pause the conversation and return to it later by saying something like “You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’ll need some time to reflect on this.”

Item #7: Do you sometimes tune people out before they finish speaking?

Improvement opportunity: Guard against allowing biases, negative experiences, and perceptions of the person or their message to get in the way of your listening. Commit to suspending judgment until you have had a chance to hear and reflect on the message. All too often, we can allow our preconceived notions to stand in the way of what is actually being communicated.

Item #8: Do you occasionally find that you heard the words spoken but missed the underlying message?

Improvement opportunity: While listening, search for what is not said in addition to what is said. If you sense that there is more to the message than you hear, ask for additional details. Also, confirm your understanding of what you think might be the implications or underlying message.

Item #9: Do you sometimes miss information because you are distracted or thinking of other things while trying to listen?

Improvement opportunity: Dedicate your attention to one activity at a time. Stop what you are doing to listen or ask the other person to wait until you can give them your full attention. You could say something like “Hang on one second while I finish this email. I want to be able to give you my full attention.”

Item #10: Do you find that, following a conversation, you sometimes cannot recall key information, details, or decisions made?

Improvement opportunity: Take time at the conclusion of the conversation to summarize what you heard and recap any follow-up actions or commitments agreed to. The summary will confirm everyone’s understanding. Meanwhile, your repetition of the information will strengthen your recall. If necessary, also take a minute to record any commitments that will require your attention.

At face value, listening seems simple enough, but in actuality, it is a challenging activity. It requires focus, openness, nuance, and judgment. Yet, listening well is a crucial skill and key factor in developing and maintaining relationships. It is worth doing well. An occasional review and recalibration can help us to move from just hearing to really listening.

Occasionally, we have all found ourselves in situations wherein we felt manipulated. It may have been a request, an expectation, an insinuation, or something else that left us feeling confused or uncomfortable. Regardless of the specifics, it was generally not a good feeling.

Some manipulation is the result of happenstance and is not intentional. At other times, we might bring the situation on ourselves by failing to be clear or feeling obligated to cooperate. Fortunately, most people do not attempt to manipulate others as their primary approach to relationships.

Yet, there are certainly people who rely on manipulation as a go-to behavior to get what they want. They may be a colleague, student, friend, or even a family member. They reveal themselves through their frequent reliance of any, some, or all the following behaviors:

• Guilting—Making us feel guilty for not cooperating with or volunteering to carry out their wishes or taking responsibility for their emotions.
• Playing the victim—Seeking sympathy and claiming that others are responsible for their problems and feelings.
• Blame-shifting—Claiming that everything bad is someone else’s fault, even when the fault clearly lies with them.
• Lying—Refusing to admit falsehoods even when the evidence is obvious.
• Gaslighting—Raising suspicions about what we know or have experienced, leading us to question our reality.
• Intimidating—Making subtle threats, threatening to exert power, or hinting at consequences if cooperation is not forthcoming.

Unfortunately, regular engagement with emotionally manipulative people can take a significant mental, emotional, and physical toll on us. We can experience depression and anxiety, feel helpless and lack of confidence, and suffer from guilt and shame. We may even engage in unhealthy coping behaviors and suffer from exhaustion.

The good news is that there are several useful strategies we can tap to protect our well-being and manage manipulators and their behavior. Here are seven approaches to help you gain control and remain sane.

Set and enforce emotional boundaries. Be ready for the manipulator to press and test your boundaries. Expect attempts to ridicule and guilt you for not prioritizing the manipulator’s interests and priorities. If pushed, refuse to engage; instead, respond by stating your commitment to prioritizing your well-being.

Refuse to take responsibility for the manipulator’s emotions. Don’t take what the manipulator says personally. Your guilt, shame, and vulnerability are what they crave to be successful. When you break that link, you diminish their power. Their feelings and behavior are their choice, not your responsibility.

Remain calm. When the manipulator attempts to pull you in, refuse to react. Detach emotionally from what the manipulator is saying or doing. When manipulators do not receive the reaction they expect, they often lose interest. If the manipulator persists, you may need to create physical space, including walking away or ending the relationship.

Avoid power struggles. Manipulative people excel at power competition and advantages. They have lots of strategies and are not reluctant to use them, no matter how they may impact you. Resist debating, forget trying to win, and detach from determining who is right or wrong. The manipulator is trying to escalate the situation to achieve an advantage. Don’t take the bait.

Be clear about your needs and expectations. State what you mean in direct terms. Resist sending open-ended messages, invitations, or requests. Vagueness and mixed signals are the manipulator’s playground. They will reinterpret what you said or meant and leave you feeling guilty, regretful, and bewildered. Meanwhile, expect vagueness and mixed signals from the manipulator, often followed by an interpretation that favors what the manipulator wants or expects.

Listen to your intuition. Manipulators can be difficult to spot. They are often friendly, even seemingly genuinely helpful, when it fits their purpose. They may compliment and smother with kindness when they want something. If you find yourself second-guessing your interpretation or feeling “icky” following a conversation or experience, manipulation may have been at play. If something feels manipulative, it probably is.

Tap sources of support. Manipulators often attempt to isolate those whom they are trying to manipulate. Their tactics work best when their intended victims are not testing their experiences against reality or others’ perceptions. Talk to friends, colleagues, or family members about what is happening and get their reactions. If they have experience with the manipulator, they may be able to validate your experience and offer advice. Consider seeking professional help if the situation is becoming serious and you are having difficulty finding a path forward.

Of course, the “through line” for each of these strategies is that we need to take care of ourselves. Self-care is a critical element in successfully countering an emotional manipulator. They depend on others’ emotional and physical exhaustion for their success. But we are not powerless, and we can prevail. Own your own!

We may not think much about the attitude or demeanor we bring to the classroom and share with our students every day. We might assume that the instructional strategies we employ and the materials we use are what matter most. Or we may think that our students’ dispositions and their readiness to learn are what will determine whether the day will be successful. We might even assume that how challenging the lesson objective is will determine its outcome. 

It goes without saying that instructional strategies and support materials are important, that student readiness to learn matters, and that what students are learning can make a difference. However, these factors can be quickly and heavily eclipsed by the attitudes we ourselves present with and to our students every day. The unseen but pervasive atmosphere in our classroom on most days is formed by the mood and tone we project. For students who struggle, the influence of how we present how we feel about the day—and them—can have an outsized impact.  

When we are grumpy, students pull back and may even become grumpy, too, in response. When we are angry or depressed, students might search for the reason and/or keep their distance. When we do not feel good about what we are doing, students pick up on it and may worry that it is in some way connected to them. 

On the other hand, when our attitude projects caring, support, confidence, and persistence, all the other factors that can impact success become contributing rather than determinative. Let’s examine six key attitudes that can have an outsized influence on the success of our students—and by extension, us.  

Patience supported by belief in potential. High expectations rest on an understanding that our students have the potential to improve, perform, and succeed. We may need to adjust the pace or moderate our approach, but when students feel that we believe in them and their ability to succeed, they are more likely to take learning risks and persist until they are successful.  

Readiness to adapt and be flexible. We cannot accurately predict what the day will bring. We may plan meticulously only to face an unexpected interruption, encounter an unanticipated barrier, or experience the malfunction of a key tool or piece of equipment. Our willingness to shift, modify, or even abandon what we planned without undue complaint can reassure students that we know what we are doing and will not be deterred in our commitment to support their learning.  

Empathy and emotional support. Students want to know that we care about them and value what matters to them. An attitude of listening and caring can have a lifelong impact for a student who is struggling or may be facing a significant life challenge. Taking the stance that our students are people first can make a big difference.   

Valuing effort and progress. Not every student will immediately grasp a new concept or quickly master a new skill. Learning can take many paths, and students often begin their learning journeys in different places. Of course, we need to be concerned about outcomes, but the greatest value in the learning we foster is found in teaching our students how to learn. Helping students to find the best strategies, coaching the best type of effort to give, and supporting the progress they are making can have a much greater impact than a pat on the back for earning a good grade.  

Passion for teaching and learning. Our students are perceptive, and they can feel when we want them to be inspired by what they are learning and curious about what more they might learn. Our excitement when they overcome a challenge or achieve a learning victory can send a powerful message about why we choose to teach and how we feel about them and their learning.  

Consistency and fairness. Students want to know that we will treat them and their classmates equitably regardless of who they are or what their learning history is. Being consistent when enforcing rules and fair when students misstep can build trust and create a sense of security. When students know what we expect and trust that they will be treated fairly, they are more likely to engage in challenging work and listen to our guidance and advice. 

When students feel a sense of optimism, patience, possibility, and empathy from us, we set the stage for success. We may make a mistake, students may struggle, and many things might go wrong, yet learning will still grow, students will still feel connected and cared for, and we can still have a successful day. 

As we begin the second half of the school year, we can all use some renewed energy and attitude refreshment. We might want to leave behind some of what happened in the first several months of the year, and a shift in routine and some new perspectives can lift our spirits. While we may not be able to fully restart, there are steps we can take to reset our attitude, change up our routines, adopt new approaches, and discover useful tools.

Of course, there remains much from the first semester that we nurtured and coached with students that we want to maintain. However, students, too, will want to have new experiences and try fresh approaches to what lies ahead. Consider these six reset-and-refresh ideas to help your students—and you—get off to an energized start for the second half of the year.

Reorganize and refresh the classroom. Physically reorient the classroom. Maybe the “front” of the room can face a new direction. You might reconfigure student seating to support more collaboration or reduce distractions. New posters, quotes, and displays of student work are options, too (but be careful not to over-decorate). Studies have shown that changing the space where we work, learn, and live can reset our thinking patterns and shift our work habits. Not unlike occupying a new space, making changes in the space where we spend our days can be refreshing.

Get reacquainted with students. Rather than just welcoming students back with all the experiences and judgments accumulated during the first half of the year, commit to taking a fresh look. Be intentional about finding something new and interesting about each student. Let go of anything that might hold back or impede your relationship with them. You might go as far as reintroducing yourself and having students do the same. Letting go of history and connecting with students where they are now can open productive doors to learning and growth for us and them.

Revisit classroom rules and routines. Shifting routines can add novelty and variety as students return. Consider revisiting existing rules with students, reminding students why rules are important, and exploring with students any changes they think might be useful and warranted. Your flexibility and understanding can be a good opening message as students return. As an added challenge, see if you and your students can state all rules in language that explains what students can and should do rather than what they cannot do. For example, rather than having a rule that says, “Don’t run in the halls,” the rule might be stated as “Walk when traveling in the hallway.”

Set classroom goals. Consider teaching and coaching students to set goals. If goal setting was not part of students’ experience during the first portion of the year, setting some now can be an energizing and focus-building activity. The goals might be shared by the entire class or set individually. If the goals are group-based, it is usually best to focus the goals on behavior, relationships, or other non-academic elements to avoid placing undue stress and pressure on students who face learning challenges. Individually set goals might address these same elements and include academics, but having students focus on improvement rather than performance gives every student something for which they can strive.

Adopt a new artificial intelligence (AI) tool that can save you time and make your life easier. One of the promises of newly developed AI tools is that they can perform routine tasks that teachers previously had to do themselves. As examples, AI tools can draft correspondence, assist with lesson planning, and suggest real-life applications for what we are teaching. Take some time to explore, then decide what tool (or tools) might be most helpful and try them out.

Try a new instructional strategy. Start by reflecting on the types of concepts, categories of skills, or areas of content where students typically struggle. Talk with colleagues, check with professional development staff, consult instructional coaches, do an internet search, or tap other resources to see what might work for you. You might identify several options and possibilities. However, start by trying just one that seems to be the best match with your need. If that approach doesn’t accomplish what you want, having other options positions you to keep trying until you find what works for you. The key is to choose something that meets a need and will help you to be more successful.

Treating the return to school as simply resuming the work begun in the first part of the year may be the easiest option, but injecting some novelty and creating some variety can give us and our students a welcome lift. Also, treating this time as an opportunity for a new start can give everyone permission and encouragement to let go of what is not helpful and adopt what may hold more potential.

In many cultures, this is a time of the year when gifts are given to family, friends, colleagues, and others. The gift-giving tradition generates feelings of generosity and gratitude, but it can also feel like a burden and an obligation. During an already busy and pressure-filled time, we find ourselves stretching budgets, pressing for time, and searching our brains for gift ideas.

Unfortunately, gift giving under these conditions can risk us missing the value of gifts given freely and thoughtfully with the recipient in mind. Gift giving should not feel like an obligation. The gifts that matter the most, regardless of the time of year or tradition behind them, come from our hearts filled with the joy and happiness of the receiver in mind.

In fact, some of the most precious gifts we can give aren’t tangible objects or expensive selections. Instead, the gifts that matter most tend to cost the least and are given without expectation or obligation. Here are six gifts we can offer now or at any time of the year that communicate our caring, demonstrate our generosity, and cost us nothing. Most important, they can be priceless to those who receive them.

The first gift is our simple, attentive listening. Listening communicates respect and value. Our willingness to be still and really listen to others offers a precious gift to those who need to be heard and want to be understood. We don’t have to have all the answers. We may have no solutions to offer, but our willingness to give our time, dedicate our attention, and actively care matters more than we know.

A second gift is our willingness to accept others without conditions and expectations. Our society, our communities, our schools, and even our families are becoming more diverse. People who see life differently from us, whose lifestyles may be different from ours, and whose goals are not goals we would choose to pursue still deserve to be accepted for who they are. Still, the sad reality is that people often face barriers, discrimination, and pressures to conform that are debilitating. Our willingness to accept and value those who may not be exactly like us is a welcome gift and gives reassurance of their inherent value as a person.

The third gift is our willingness to offer encouragement and give support to those who may be struggling and need someone who believes in them and wants them to succeed. However, our encouragement needs to be authentically offered and our support genuinely extended. Often just knowing that we’re confident in them and their potential to succeed is enough to encourage them through their struggle and get them to move forward.

A fourth gift is to reach out and lend a hand without expectations or obligations. Our willingness to give our energy, insight, skills, and time can be a relief-giving gift when someone feels overwhelmed, inadequate, and alone. We may not see our assistance as special or unusual, but when offered at just the right time, freely given, and obligation-free, our offer of assistance can be a burden-lifting and much appreciated gift.

The fifth gift is our willingness to forgive, let go of past grievances, and restore relationships. Disappointment, resentment, and separation result in heavy burdens both for those who harbor these feelings and for those who are the object of them. The feelings may have roots in legitimate grievances. Past words or actions may have caused hurt. However, hurt feelings and grievances rarely maintain any value over time. Deciding to forgive, let go, and restore relationships that matter to us create valuable, life-lifting gifts.

The sixth gift may be simplest, yet it can make an outsized difference. That gift is a smile. A genuine smile assures others we see and notice them. A smile offers hope and communicates caring. It’s difficult to ignore a bright and friendly smile. A smile brightens a day and offers hope. It‘s been said that “If we meet someone too worried or distressed to give us a smile, we should leave one of ours. For no one needs a smile quite as much as someone who has none to give.”

In this season of giving and of gratitude, these gifts can have astounding positive effects on those around us. Additionally, these gifts also offer special value to us as their givers. Each of these gifts enrich our lives, make us more optimistic, and leave us feeling happier. It’s a no-brainer that these dual benefits make these gifts worth giving!

This time of year is emotionally challenging for many students. The holidays can be a time of uncertainty and stress. Relationships formed earlier in the year may not be going well or may have disintegrated. The end of the calendar year may include challenges and deadlines that are disruptive to families. Meanwhile, colder weather and fewer hours of sunlight can lead to emotional stress and dips in mental health. The list could go on.

Of course, we, too, might be experiencing stress, pressure, disappointment, and uncertainty that make it challenging to sense our students’ struggles and respond in helpful and supportive ways. As a result, we can misstep, overstep, or under-respond to students who need our attention and support.

Admittedly, these may not be easy or comfortable situations. However, with a few reminders, we can avoid some of the most common mistakes and missteps in response to student emotional challenges. Here are six “potholes” worthy of our reflection and avoidance as we enter the holiday season.

Assuming—We might think that we know or can predict why a student is upset. Yet, what is causing the student’s emotions may actually have nothing at all to do with what we assume. Our jumping to conclusions can leave the student feeling unheard, misunderstood, and discounted.

Instead: We can put aside our preconceived notions and ask open-ended questions that invite the student to share what they are feeling and why. Our interest can lead to understanding, and our concern will be reassuring. Meanwhile, we will not have to backtrack and apologize for assuming that we knew what we did not.

Shaming—We can be tempted to tell a student variations of “get over it,” “toughen up,” or “just ignore it.” However, even when we softly convey those sentiments, we discount the student’s concern and risk sending the message that what they are feeling is not worthy, that expressing emotion is not acceptable, or that they should be ashamed.

Instead: We need to reassure students that it is natural to experience strong emotions, even when they are negative. Everyone goes through times when they face difficult circumstances and struggle. We can normalize the expression of emotion as a sign of strength, not weakness.

Overlooking—We might be busy or distracted, only to discover that we missed or misinterpreted multiple clues that a student needed our attention and support. Students do not always verbally or directly tell us when they are struggling. They do not always reach out and request our help. Yet, they may be sending multiple messages via shifts in their behavior and body language or through other nonverbal cues.

Instead: We can be mindful and observant of our students’ behavior. When a talkative student suddenly goes silent, a usually even-tempered student immediately becomes agitated, or a demonstrative student withdraws, we need to check in with them in an inquiring, non-judgmental manner.

Abandoning—We might have an initial conversation with a student that seems to help and then we move on to other things. Yet, the student may still be struggling and may need more support. Or we may promise to do or provide something but neglect to follow up or follow through.

Instead: Make it a point to check back with distraught students to see how they are doing and if they need anything. Following up and following through builds trust and communicates that we value our students and their well-being.

Pressing—We might think that we can convince upset students to let go and move forward quickly or that we have given them a solution to their situation that they should accept and implement immediately. We might feel the urgency of students getting back to work, but we need to remember that moving beyond intense emotions such as anxiety, worry, and grief takes time. Pressing during these times can leave students feeling unheard or misunderstood. As a result, their feelings may intensify.

Instead: We can step back and give students time to process their feelings and regain composure. We might suggest a break, moving to a private space, or even a few minutes to calm themselves. Of course, we need to reassure the student that we are available if they need to talk more.

Overreacting—Sometimes the emotions students are feeling touch a pain point in our emotions or stimulates a strong reaction in us. We might react harshly or become emotional ourselves. In either case, we risk escalating the student’s emotional state, setting off a power struggle, or struggling to deal with our own emotions.

Instead: We can focus on remaining calm and in control. Rather than reacting, we might respond by recognizing that the student is upset and inquire about what is causing it. Also, giving the situation some time by pausing, taking a deep breath, or physically stepping back can create space for us to gain control and avoid making the situation worse. Later, we can reflect on why we reacted so strongly and what we may need to do to feel better.

Dealing with emotions is hard. The challenge is even greater for young people as they navigate relationships, mature, and encounter many of life’s experiences for the first time. Obviously, we cannot always prevent or change their feelings, nor can we solve all their emotional difficulties. However, we can be ready with our attention, support, encouragement, and patience. Very often, that is enough.