We know the power of strong, positive student relationships. When students are confident that we like and care about them, they are more likely to listen to what we say, comply with what we ask, and strive to meet the expectations we set. In addition, with positive relationships, our level of stress goes down, we have more energy to focus on our work, and we feel more confident in trying new strategies, even if they may not initially be perfect.
Yet, the truth is that there are students with whom we may not connect, who press our buttons, and who we may just simply not like very much. Still, we have a responsibility to accept, support, and care for each student regardless of our private feelings.
The source of our struggle with some students likely varies depending on circumstance and the individual student. Researchers point to at least four potential causes of when we find ourselves challenged to like someone, in this case a student.
The student may remind us of someone else. Our relationship and experience with the other person can color our perceptions about and feelings toward the student. This phenomenon is known as transference. Often, we are not even aware of the presence of transference. When we experience strong negative feelings about a student that are not directly connected to any specific behavior, we need to stop and ask ourselves what is happening and whether our assumptions and perceptions may be playing a role.
We also may be responding to signals we are receiving from the student indicating that they do not like us. Consequently, we may find ourselves not liking the student in return. Unfortunately, our responding in kind will make the situation worse. The student may feel they have reason to dislike us even more, and we will face even greater challenges in building a positive and productive relationship.
We may be reacting to our own life experience. We may have grown up in a family where certain behaviors and attitudes were strongly rejected, or we might have experienced harsh treatment and learned to manage our responses in ways that allowed us to avoid disapproval and other negative responses. Now, as adults, we can harbor feelings and expectations that have roots in our experiences during childhood and adolescence. When students behave in a manner that is not consistent with what we were taught as “proper,” we may struggle to relate to and understand them.
We may be projecting feelings about ourselves. We might struggle to manage our own anger, and consequently, we may respond with greater emotion to a student who fails to control their anger. Or we may have grown up in a family that struggled financially, and as a result, we might find it difficult to connect with students whose families have substantial financial resources.
The question, of course, is how we can overcome the relationship barriers we face. Here are five questions to consider when we struggle to form a relationship with a student:
- What is behind the feelings I am experiencing? Might one of the four challenges discussed above be at play? Is there something about the situation that I must own? Awareness is the first step to finding a productive path forward.
- What might I be assuming about this student or situation that I need to examine? Is what bothers me valid, or am I projecting my feelings and history on the student? Choosing to assume positive intentions and suspending judgment can open the door to exploring and building a relationship.
- Is there something about the student with which I can relate? Finding even one aspect of the student we can admire, embrace, support, or nurture can open the door to seeing the student differently.
- Who seems to have a strong relationship with this student? We can check with colleagues to gain their perspective. It may be that others do not share our perception and can offer valuable insights to help us move beyond our assumptions and projections.
- What steps might I take to move beyond my feelings about and perceptions of this student? Committing to take on the challenge of forming a relationship can lead to the development of new skills and offer the opportunity to let go of feelings and perceptions that get in the way of this and other relationships.
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Wayne W. Dyer
