We have all had the experience of having our proverbial buttons pushed. For some of us, it happens more often than for others. The trigger can be something someone says or does, a situation or problem we face, or even a painful or embarrassing memory that suddenly pops into our consciousness. What we experience may be the result of something unintentional or happenstance, or it may be purposeful action of someone to distract us or create a reaction.
Occasionally, something completely new and unexpected is the culprit that pushes our reactive “button,” but more often, what we experience is part of a pattern or relates to a topic or situation that has bedeviled or greatly bothered us before. Of course, there are many stimuli that hold the potential to generate a negative or unsettling reaction. What is more important is that we understand and have strategies for managing situations in which we find ourselves becoming uncomfortable, angry, or otherwise off balance in response to what we hear or experience.
The next time you feel your buttons being pushed, consider these strategies in response:
- Take a breath. Give yourself a few seconds to gain control of your emotions. Creating space between what is happening and your response can provide an opportunity to decide your best action, rather than “taking the bait.”
- Stay calm. Immediately pushing back or responding in kind can needlessly escalate the situation. Your composure positions you to choose what to do next rather than concede control to the other person or circumstance.
- Ask a question. A question can help to clarify the statement, question, or situation. Often what we initially interpret as negative, accusatory, or demeaning may not be what we assume. A clarifying question can also help us to reflect on a situation or offer the other person an opportunity to backtrack or clarify their intent.
- Acknowledge your feelings. Anger, confusion, or other reactive feelings are natural responses. However, being aware of how you are feeling, without judging, can help to frame a more measured and thoughtful response.
- Own your feelings. Use “I” statements to express how the statement or situation is affecting you. This way, you can resist placing blame or making accusations. Explaining and owning how you feel is an honest response and creates an opportunity to clarify intentions or revise a message.
- Reframe the situation. Rather than going with your initial interpretation, be curious about what was said or how the situation appears. Look for an opportunity to see the situation differently and create a more confident and comfortable path forward. What was intended is less important than the meaning you assign to what happened or was said.
- Look for solutions. If what stimulated your reaction was a memory or situation, consider how you might reduce its power and avoid reacting emotionally. These situations have meaning, and understanding their power can provide hints for managing the impact. If the stimulus is the words or actions of others, explore whether you can reach an agreement or understanding to avoid repetition, or at least establish boundaries regarding behavior that you find unacceptable.
- Consider whether to walk away. If the conversation becomes too heated or is becoming unproductive, the best strategy may be to create some distance, either by agreeing to drop the subject for now, or physically walking away for the moment and revisiting the conversation later.
- Decide what can be learned. Once the situation has passed and you can think calmly, reflect on what happened, why it mattered to you, and how you might engage differently in the future. Almost certainly, you will face similar challenges in the future. Learning what you can and planning how best to respond can be well-spent time.
Having our buttons pushed is not typically a comfortable sensation. What someone says or does can lead us to feel disrespected or manipulated. When what grabs our attention is a situation or memory, we can feel caught and bewildered. Yet, all these situations carry messages for us to heed, learn from, and plan to manage in the future.
