{taken from the book You Can Handle Them All…for Parents}
I. BEHAVIOR: How exactly is my child behaving?
- Openly challenges parents or teachers at almost every opportunity.
- Talks back.
- Dares punishment.
- Usually appears unaffected by what parents say or do—and may even laugh at it. {Tweet this}
- May even refuse to accept punishment.
- Usually overly critical of parents’ sense of fairness.
- Quick to claim injustice by saying, “Nobody likes me.” Thus, extremely conscious and critical of parents’ treatment of him or her.
- Does not appear to feel very good about himself or herself; seems to think he or she is not being treated well by others, including siblings, other children, parents, and teachers.
- Loses sight of the fact that his or her behavior is actually the reason for what is happening in relationships with other people.
- Has little self-control.
- Often highly emotional.
- Tries to rationalize or justify what’s happening as someone else’s fault.
- Picks fights with siblings or other children—in addition to taunting parents. Picks fights at school too—over the smallest of incidents, which he or she claims are significant.
II. EFFECTS: How does my child’s behavior affect other people at home and in school?
- Neither parents nor teachers know how to respond to or handle this child.
- Meals, events, and lessons are disrupted.
- Rules are challenged.
- Home and classroom are in turmoil and crises arise daily.
- Parents experience much anguish.
- Parents feel uneasy and may even become ineffective.
- Parents worry about disciplining other children because they haven’t been successful with the defiant child.
- If this child’s behavior is allowed to go unchecked, siblings may question parents’ fairness when they are reprimanded.
- Tension becomes an ever-present condition at home.
III. ACTION: Why is my child behaving this way, what unmet needs does he or she have, and what specific things can I do to help him or her behave better?
- Primary cause of misbehavior:
- Revenge: This child wants to be disliked. Failure has made him or her give up trying to get attention in an acceptable way.
- Primary needs being revealed:
- Escape from Pain: This child is feeling a lot of pain and his or her behavior demonstrates this pain.
- Gender/Identity: This person’s interactions with people are very negative.
- Secondary needs being revealed:
- Aggression: This person is using assertion as a means of survival. This assertion must be directed toward a more positive involvement.
- Achievement: Personal responsibility is a form of achievement for this child.
- Power: A form of power must be offered to this child.
- Status: Everything must be done to demonstrate the worth of this child. This does not mean you accept his or her behavior, but you do accept the person.
- Autonomy: The child needs many ways to be in control of his or her life other than defiance.
- Regardless of the situation, never get into a “yes you will” contest with this child. Silence is a better response. {Tweet this}
Free book excerpt with 15 more ACTIONS and 10 COMMON MISTAKES!
Handled this behavior in the past? Share your experience in the comment section below…